i don't mean to alarm you.

who am I?

One minute I'm up.

The next I'm down.

One moment I am overcome with energy and prepared to take on any and every task.

The next I beg to be alone.

When I'm alone, I become increasingly upset. 

As if I am being ignored.

When I'm with others, I feel as if I don't belong.

There are days where I am terrified to go out in public.

I want to remain indoors - in order to keep my horrifying appearance hidden from the rest of the world.

On the days where I persuade myself to leave my room, I am constantly comparing myself to others.

Yearning. Begging. Desperately pleading to be more like them.

To be anything less than who I am.

Reality hits.

As it always does.

 I can't be anyone but who I am.

Most are proud of who they are. 

Or they at least learn to accept it.

I wake up every morning, dreading the day ahead - hoping to be different. To be someone else.

I want to be accepted.

By society, yes.

But I have friends.

I have a family.

I have the most loving and beautiful people in my life.

They've learned to put up with me.

I want to be accepted by myself.

Maybe if I was prettier.

Skinnier.

Taller.

Smarter.

Nicer.

~~~~

I make it through each day with the aid of pills. 

With the aid of any drugs I can get my hands on.

Anything to fix my reality.

Secretly wishing for an overdose.

I drive home alone each day wishing for a fatal car crash.

To loose control of the wheel.

To be free.

I hope for accidental injuries.

I am no longer able to do it on my own.

My razors were taken. My knives confiscated. My blades thrown out.

Despite this, I aim to be more positive. I try to be less pessimistic.

Because:

'Others' consistently tell me "to keep my chin up". 

To "have the right mindset".

That "things will get better".

'Others' can control their mind. 

'Others' can change their perspective.

'Others' can tame their anger and overcome their sadness.

I cannot control what I feel. 

Sometimes I cannot feel at all.

I cannot predict my moods.

I cannot shape any situation in order to think on the "bright side".

I cannot live.

But maybe life's not for everyone.