how do you hold the special victim when they push you away?

I was raped. 
I've heard it. Relived it. Read it. & Written it countless times.
I've suffered through flashbacks and struggled through sleepless nights due to my oh so vivid memory.
Although those 32 minutes are over and forgotten for him, I've gained:
 315 days of constant anxiety.
7,560 hours of heartache.
443,600 minutes of fear.
 27,216,000 seconds of cowardice.
In those 32 minutes I've lost complete confidence in myself and others.
As he knowingly took my integrity and virtue, he slowly began to take my life.

Despite the fact that memories of that day are constantly in the back of my mind and occasionally override my thoughts, I want to recover.
I want to be able to relax, trust, and be truly happy as I once was.
I want that event to be but a mere roadblock in my life rather than my whole life itself.
I want to be able to build a relationship with someone I can love completely without second guessing every move they make.
I want to see the triggers such as the aviators and curly hair without collapsing into an overwhelming panic.

I no longer want to be a victim. I aspire to be a survivor.